Identity – Reconnecting to Who We at our Core

May 18, 2025Leave a comment

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about identity lately – sparked, in part, to recently having a First Person Account published by CBC titled “I had a loving family. My life changed at 46 when my birth sister revealed I was adopted. My parents hid my adoption. But somehow, the truth brought us closer.”

I’ve been doing a series of videos over at the Inner Wisdom Lab Youtube channel where I speak to various aspects of identity and offer a few guided visualizations for anyone looking to connect more deeply to their own core essence. And there are more to come.

I have now known about being adopted for 17 years, which seems a bit incredulous. Finding out sparked an identity expansion in some ways. In a moment, everything changed, yet nothing changed – with respect to my life, my immediate family and my sense of identity.

Identity and Core Essence

In thinking about identity, I am curious about what is underneath personality traits, skills, abilities, life events … and, I have arrived at core essence. The most basic and important attribute of self that provides a sense of who we are, the inner foundation of being. This essence is constant. In this 7 minute video, I speak about core essence or identity and, in this 10 minute one, I offer a guided visualization for anyone wishing to connect with their own sense of identity or core essence.

Identity and Roles

Sometimes we know and sense our core essence with absolute clarity. Other times it is obscured by layers and layers of roles, expectations – our own and others, doubt, hubris, the minutia of life, disappointments and external successes collected over the course of a life journey. We learn to not trust ourselves, our own inner knowing or wisdom or what our highest self whispers to us along the way. I speak about identity and roles in this 12 minute video and offer a 20 minute guided visualization for any wishing to review the timeline of their life, the roles they took on or were thrust upon them, the gifts in the roles and the opportunity to choose to more fully inhabit some roles and shed others that no longer serve.

DNA and Chosen Family Lineages

Perhaps not surprisingly, over the last 17 years I have also thought about lineage – a lot. DNA and chosen family lineage. DNA does not necessarily a family make. As someone who has been adopted, I feel both of these lineages strongly. I imagine there might be others who feel this way – rooted in at least 2 lineages, if not more.

I have felt most closely connected to my chosen family lineage. One could argue that they chose me since I was a baby at the time. But, if you believe in soul choices and choices made before incarnating, then we chose each other. This is the lineage I grew up with and claimed as my own, since I knew no other until I found out I was adopted. It is very much a part of my sense of self. For a long time, my biological lineage felt abstract.

In more recent times, having connected with a biological cousin who shared the gift of all the genealogical research she has done on my birth mother’s side of the family, something shifted. My sister and I knew that our birth mother’s mother (our grandmother) had had multiple children with different fathers. Our understanding was she had given all the babies up.

I had no idea how many blanks were actually there until that knowledge was shared with me. My birth grandmother had eight children with five different fathers and had not, in fact, given them all up – only the first two, one of which was my birth mother, the second child, raised by an aunt and uncle. Now I have my birth grandmother’s name, and the names of her parents, children, and their fathers, as well as information about the relationships. Having knowledge of my genealogy brings a sense of balance and wholeness I did not expect even as I do not feel a need to connect with all the names that are now etched in my birth lineage.

Identity and Place or Geography

Place and geography influence and shape our sense of identity – where we grew up, where we live, other places that have had a significant influence on our own sense of self. Interestingly, this can expand beyond our own experience to include places that family members are from. I very much have a sense of French Quebec heritage through my dad and of Newfoundland heritage through my mother’s mother (yes I mean the family I grew up in for any who wonder).

My partner, Jerry, is strongly influenced by growing up in the US mid-west. He refers to himself as a flatlander who does not like edges. I, on the other hand, grew up on the coast in a fishing town. People in my family were said to have had the “sea in their blood”. I muse on the influence of place and geography in this 9 minute video and invite people who listen to reflect on what parts of their identity have been shaped by where they grew up or where they live.

Is Finding Your Birth Family a Good Idea?

I am sometimes asked, is searching for your birth family a good idea? One the one hand, it is hard for me to say since this decision was not in my hands. But it reminds me of the famous quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet – “to be or not to be” – although I am not entirely sure way. Searching for birth family is very much an individual choice. Not everyone wants to search, not everyone wants to be found, not everyone connects in relationship and not every story has a happy ending.

Having said that, if you are someone who knows you have biological family out there and are wondering whether it is a good idea, be aware of the expectations and hopes that you carry, and know that for some, it does not or will not answer the questions they are carrying. This can be hugely disappointing.

On the other hand, actually meeting people may not even be necessary to receive answers – like having my birth family tree suddenly fleshed out. And, for many, there are solid relationships that emerge and evolve over time. For my full sister and I, it is almost as if the 40 year gap did not exist.

Me and my sister in Mexico - a year after we reconnected.

On the whole though, there is an invitation to embrace your identity – all of it. And in so doing, remembering what was here before the physical body and after it is gone. It is all essence.

The Gift of Illuminating Lineage

September 2, 2024Leave a comment

Anyone who knows anything of my life story knows it is complex and convoluted, impossible to follow unless you are one of the main characters. This great meme “when someone asks about your family and you’re trying to decide if you should tell them the Disney or Jerry Springer version” is beyond apt. Up until 2008, I thought my story to be relatively “uneventful, normal and straightforward”. In January of that year, an unexpected FB message arrived: “You don’t know me and I don’t mean to upset you, but I have reason to believe you might be my sister”. In one way, it upended everything. In another way, I had already developed a strong sense of self through coaching support and personal and spiritual journey.

It became an intriguing drama as story upon story about birth family members unfolded, some more complete than others. I wrote about what I knew at the time in my memoir, Embracing the Stranger in Me: A Journey to Openheartedness. I had the opportunity to meet my birth father, my full sister and my half-sister and their families. There was a fair bit known about the paternal lineage – although, probably not surprisingly, not everything, as we discovered the actual story of my birth grandfather. He was an alcoholic and it had been assumed he had died derelict on the streets of Halifax. However, meeting a cousin, the daughter of my birth father’s brother, revealed that story was much different and he had died in a care facility as a recovering alcoholic who thought he had had a pretty good life.

The Mystery of Our Birth Mother

However, for my full sister, Deb, and I, the story of our birth mother was much more opaque. We knew a few things. She had left her family behind (my birth father, sister and me), taking off with a friend of our birth father, for Montreal. In her defence, she was just twenty years old with a three-year-old and an infant in the early 60s. She may have had postpartum depression and she was promised they would come back for the babies.

For a long time, we did not what happened to her in Montreal or how she ended up in British Columbia where she established a good life for herself. She married and she and her husband adopted a daughter because she could no longer have babies. Our birth mother died in 2007. I never did have the chance to meet her although Deb did. It was her death that sparked the search for me.

Now friends with her adopted daughter, we learned more about our birth mother’s life, including the fact she had been prostituted out by the man she had trusted and gone to Montreal with. Speculating here, but the shame of that made her want to forget about life before that, including the fact she had two daughters. She was very secretive and never shared that part of her history with her husband or daughter while she was alive.

The Bigger Mystery of Our Birth Grandmother

Deb and I knew our birth mother’s mother – our grandmother – had had multiple children with multiple dads and we had been told she had given them all away. Not even clear if that meant adoption. And that is all we knew. Until a recent conversation with a biological cousin whose mom was sisters with our birth mom. My cousin happens to also be a Kathie – different spelling and different variation of our formal names.

This connection came to be because my sister and I agreed to enter our DNA sample to Ancestry.com, in the wondering of whether we would find out information related to our maternal lineage – although neither one of us applied much effort to it. Interestingly, we did discover we didn’t quite know everything about our paternal lineage as another half-sister contacted us a couple of years ago now. That is a story for another time.

Mysteries Solved

Kathie has done a significant amount of research – through Ancestry and in the search for birth, marriage and death certificates. Our birth mom was #2 of 8 and Kathie’s mom was #3 and the first baby our birth grandmother – Audrey – kept, at the behest of her mother and stepfather. Baby #1 was given up for adoption and the trail to find her is cold. Baby #2 was our birth mother and we know she ended up with aunts and uncles – not once but twice, due to the death of the aunt and uncle who originally took her in.

Babies #4 and #5 were with a man Audrey moved in with and, after he left, she moved in with another man and babies #6, 7 and 8 arrived. You have to remember this was back in the 1940s and 50s. This kind of life journey was almost unheard of and was certainly not glorified. I have no idea of the amount of trauma that had to be present or what the circumstances of their lives must have been.

Illuminating Lineage

The gift in talking to my cousin was the filling in of so many missing details – including the name of our birth grandmother and her parents – the gift of illuminating lineage. I hadn’t realized how powerful this could be. One side of the lineage had been pretty fully sketched out; the other side was obscured or in shadow. You know it is there, but you can’t access it.

If you can imagine a tree where one side is lit and the other side is dark and you can’t even imagine the shape of it except you believe there must be some kind of symmetry or balance. Then, imagine the whole tree is lit and now you can see it in detail and what you cannot see likely does not matter too much anymore.

The Power of Illumination

I hadn’t realized the disparity in weight or lack of balance that this created – until the other side of the family tree was illuminated. Now in my mind’s eye, I can see, or more accurately sense, all the branches – the full tree. On one level, the names don’t matter, the symmetry is there. Yet, knowing the names also has meaning and depth. I know my birth grandmother’s name, Audrey, and it makes her more real. I know more of her story and it makes her more real. It takes something that was intangible and makes it tangible. If you have never experienced this, it is far more powerful than it sounds because it happens through many senses, not just through intellectual knowing. It is emotional, psychological, spiritual. It brings a wholeness to something that was like a phantom limb. It is a felt sense about it.

Having experienced everything that I have experienced over the last decade and a half (or really my entire life), I now know these stories are all still evolving. I don’t know what I don’t know. But I am appreciative of this gift of knowing biological lineage – for Deb and me. Blanks have been filled in and this has enlivened a sense of lineage that had been stumped in ways I had not fathomed. It is like it breathes new life and possibilities into my heart, spirit, soul and consciousness. It offers new perspectives and possibilities and brings a sense of wholeness I had not known I lacked. And, it is not necessary to develop relationships with all the biological family who are still alive. It is enough just to know.

Who Do I Mean When I Say, “My Parents”

Note. People often wonder, when I refer to my parents who do I mean? Always, always, my parents are the people who raised me. Their commitment and love are as much and sometimes more of me than the DNA that connects me to biological lineage. I know this is the same for many adoptees, although for sure not all. My biological parents are not my “real parents”, they are my biological parents. DNA does not a family make. Commitment and relationship does.

A Cautionary Note

There are many stories that have been published about joyful reunions, a sense of belonging, and deep relationships that have been forged when biological relatives have connected or reconnected. Some people feel a deep yearning for these kinds of connections. Not everyone who has been adopted or has given a child up feels that way. There is no one uniform experience or desire. Individual wishes and privacy must be respected when this the case. And, once you do connect with biological family, there is no guarantee that it will be warm and fuzzy. In one way, it’s no different than family units that have grown up together. In my situation, the relationships and connections vary – which is to be connected – and the closest relationship is with Deb. This could be because we have the same biological parents, it could be because I do remember her from when we were young or there could be any other range of factors that contribute to this. All this to say, approach these explorations with as much caution as optimism and hope. Not every story has a happy ending.

The Anniversary of Dad’s Passing and The Year that Disappeared

January 16, 2021Leave a comment

One year ago today I got the call from a resident at the hospital saying that dad had had a restless night, his oxygen was low, they had moved him to a private room and I should get there as soon as possible. I notified my children, my brother and my partner. I got in the car and the tears streamed down my face the whole drive to the hospital. This was the moment we had anticipated, literally for years. I have written before that dad tiptoed up to the edge of death many times, looked over, shook his head and said, “No, not yet.”

This time, there was no going back. He (and I) could not envision how he was going to continue to live at home with any semblance of satisfaction. He couldn’t go to his workshop in the garage. He couldn’t go down the stairs to where he worked on his Bluefin Model. He had so many health issues over the decades. His pacemaker and many medications were keeping him alive as long as his will to live prevailed.

It’s been a strange year. The year of the pandemic and shut down where time disappeared in a vortex. I carry the memory of clearing out his house during the months of March and April, of feeling that his guidance was in every part of what happened. The stories of people and connections that have carried on beyond those days, new life long relationships forged.

My dad comes to me in dreams every week, often several times a week. My mother often comes with him, which was not so much the case before he died. I think perhaps she was with him more often then and they are together now.

I feel his absence during the storms when we would check in with each other to see how things were and what was being taken care of. I could imagine how difficult this pandemic and US politics would be for him to comprehend. When I have traveled, I imagine his concerns for my travel and his relief when I am back home.

There are moments when grief overwhelms me, the tears flow just as they did that morning, a year ago, when I drove to the hospital. Not because I wish he was here now but because of the great, unexpected love that was between us. I was his person. The time I spent with him has been filled in other ways. His and mom’s presence are in my house along with the few items of theirs I have incorporated into my home. I carry them everywhere in heart and soul.

This morning, I lit dad’s candle in front of Mother Mary with a candle and matches from his house. I lit another candle for my mom. I put out coffee with Bailley’s in cups from dad’s house for them both and Jerry and I drank a toast to the two of them. In my mind’s eye, I see them as they might have been when they met in the late 50s – young, beautiful, slim, in love; wearing the clothes of the era. With spiked coffee and mom smoking a cigarette. Dad was an avid smoker until he quit in the 70s to save his life. In my vision, he is not smoking even though it is from a time when he would have been smoking. My mother was a social smoker. She would have a cigarette with her coffee, when a friend dropped by for tea or with a drink, at a party. She pretty much quit when dad did but in this vision she is smoking a cigarette, laughing and joyful. Trust the symbols that appear.

Their impact on me and my life is indelibly imprinted on my heart and soul. I will forever cherish all my relationships in my lineage and it will always influence the relationships I want to nurture with my children, their partners and extended families, my own grandchildren and my partner.

Smiling this morning, along with the tears.