Category: Story

When the Family / Town Secret is You!

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My brother and I are perplexed. How is it possible to be in your 40s and only then find out about a family secret that literally everyone knows – all our extended family, all friends of our family, my best friends growing up and an ex-boyfriend I have not talked to for 40 years? It seems, the only 2 people who did not know were me and my brother.

The secret? We did not know that I was adopted until my full sister and a half-sister reached out in 2008, when I was in my mid-forties. They sent me a Facebook message to say, “You don’t know us and we don’t mean to upset you, but we have reason to believe you might be our sister.” First thought? Who are you and what do you want with me?

My birthday – probably January 1, 1981 – my brother, mother, me, and dad.

Immediately, I sent this message on to my brother. He has a sharp memory and can recall things I have no idea about. If this was true, surely he would know. He didn’t. He was just as shocked as me. (Also, for those who are wondering, he is the biological son of our parents, born a couple of years after I was in the picture.)

Our first thoughts were that this was an iron clad secret almost nobody knew – otherwise, how was it possible to keep such a secret for over 40 years? Also, it was in the 1960s and social media did not exist. Looking back now, I can see the reasoning was faulty – our parents adopted a child – of course they would have told everyone. So, that explains family and family friends knowing.

Soon after I learned this news, I met up with one of my best friends from high school. I mentioned a sister – thinking I would surprise her. Instead, she surprised me, “Oh, you know.” She had heard through a grapevine. When she asked her mother what she should do, her mother told her it was not her story to tell. True enough.

Then, I discovered some of our cousins knew – which meant all of our cousins knew. My brother and I are among the youngest.

A couple of years ago, a high school classmate died and a few of us gathered to remember him. It was a poignant time. We talked about people we grew up with – including who was adopted or otherwise had different family arrangements. My name was not mentioned in this conversation, nor was I or my situation referenced, nor did anyone ask me anything – even though we all openly knew the background of the people we talked about.

Lunenburg High School Graduation – June 1980.
How many people in this photo knew I was adopted and never said a word?

Later, one of the people there – also a good friend from high school – messaged me about my memoir: Embracing the Stranger in Me: A Journey to Openheartedness in which I write about the unfolding of my adoption story and meeting my birth family. In that exchange, she shared that she knew I was adopted while we were in high school together! Her mother had told her, but now her mother could not recollect how she knew.

I shared this information with my brother. Again, we were equally stunned that people we went to school with knew this about me and our family and it never, ever came up – not in casual conversation, not when talking about other people who were adopted and not in a moment of spite where someone might want to offend you.

This is top of mind at the moment because, recently through a strange kind of delightful serendipity, I reconnected with my high-school sweetheart, my first boyfriend – also, interestingly through FB. As we did the high-level overview of 40 years of life, I mentioned about being adopted. And, he said, he knew! He found out a couple of years after we broke up. The clincher in all of this. My father told his father. They worked together but were not really friends. How on earth did that conversation even come up? And, if my dad could tell my ex-boyfriend’s dad, why couldn’t he tell me? We’ll never know because they are both gone now. Just when you think you can’t be surprised anymore, something else comes to light.

So, it begs the question. How does a whole family and a town not expose a secret, even by accident? How does pretty much everyone we know from that time know about the adoption and it remained a secret to us? Our parents must have had moments of fear, wondering when I – or my brother – was going to come home with questions. Yet, year after year, through university, graduations, career changes, marriage, divorce, remarriage and 3 children of my own, the topic was never brought up.

When it finally did, my mother’s dementia was far enough advanced, it didn’t make sense to try to talk to her about it. Dad and I did have a good conversation – and several after that – and he was supportive of me meeting my birth family, also initially a little worried that this knowledge would affect our relationship. I told him we had 40+ years of relationship – we would be okay. And we were.

It’s a strange world we live in. I do believe secrets want to be revealed. I’m okay with how this story evolved – although it would have been nice to have known my sister earlier. I am curious what would have happened had I heard through one of my classmates – but it’s almost like everyone was sworn to secrecy.

You never know the life path. You never know what is coming up to be cleared anytime but particularly in what had been a very challenging year – 2025 – adding to a 9 in numerology which is a year of endings and clearings – leading into a 1 year – 2026 – for new beginnings, possibilities and opportunities. I have also just left a 9 year behind personally and entered a 1 year personally.

Dear 2026, please be kind, generous and abundant – for us all. I’m ready for it – even as I may never understand how my brother and I were at the heart of a family and town secret that everyone knew except us!

Identity – Reconnecting to Who We at our Core

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I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about identity lately – sparked, in part, to recently having a First Person Account published by CBC titled “I had a loving family. My life changed at 46 when my birth sister revealed I was adopted. My parents hid my adoption. But somehow, the truth brought us closer.”

I’ve been doing a series of videos over at the Inner Wisdom Lab Youtube channel where I speak to various aspects of identity and offer a few guided visualizations for anyone looking to connect more deeply to their own core essence. And there are more to come.

I have now known about being adopted for 17 years, which seems a bit incredulous. Finding out sparked an identity expansion in some ways. In a moment, everything changed, yet nothing changed – with respect to my life, my immediate family and my sense of identity.

Identity and Core Essence

In thinking about identity, I am curious about what is underneath personality traits, skills, abilities, life events … and, I have arrived at core essence. The most basic and important attribute of self that provides a sense of who we are, the inner foundation of being. This essence is constant. In this 7 minute video, I speak about core essence or identity and, in this 10 minute one, I offer a guided visualization for anyone wishing to connect with their own sense of identity or core essence.

Identity and Roles

Sometimes we know and sense our core essence with absolute clarity. Other times it is obscured by layers and layers of roles, expectations – our own and others, doubt, hubris, the minutia of life, disappointments and external successes collected over the course of a life journey. We learn to not trust ourselves, our own inner knowing or wisdom or what our highest self whispers to us along the way. I speak about identity and roles in this 12 minute video and offer a 20 minute guided visualization for any wishing to review the timeline of their life, the roles they took on or were thrust upon them, the gifts in the roles and the opportunity to choose to more fully inhabit some roles and shed others that no longer serve.

DNA and Chosen Family Lineages

Perhaps not surprisingly, over the last 17 years I have also thought about lineage – a lot. DNA and chosen family lineage. DNA does not necessarily a family make. As someone who has been adopted, I feel both of these lineages strongly. I imagine there might be others who feel this way – rooted in at least 2 lineages, if not more.

I have felt most closely connected to my chosen family lineage. One could argue that they chose me since I was a baby at the time. But, if you believe in soul choices and choices made before incarnating, then we chose each other. This is the lineage I grew up with and claimed as my own, since I knew no other until I found out I was adopted. It is very much a part of my sense of self. For a long time, my biological lineage felt abstract.

In more recent times, having connected with a biological cousin who shared the gift of all the genealogical research she has done on my birth mother’s side of the family, something shifted. My sister and I knew that our birth mother’s mother (our grandmother) had had multiple children with different fathers. Our understanding was she had given all the babies up.

I had no idea how many blanks were actually there until that knowledge was shared with me. My birth grandmother had eight children with five different fathers and had not, in fact, given them all up – only the first two, one of which was my birth mother, the second child, raised by an aunt and uncle. Now I have my birth grandmother’s name, and the names of her parents, children, and their fathers, as well as information about the relationships. Having knowledge of my genealogy brings a sense of balance and wholeness I did not expect even as I do not feel a need to connect with all the names that are now etched in my birth lineage.

Identity and Place or Geography

Place and geography influence and shape our sense of identity – where we grew up, where we live, other places that have had a significant influence on our own sense of self. Interestingly, this can expand beyond our own experience to include places that family members are from. I very much have a sense of French Quebec heritage through my dad and of Newfoundland heritage through my mother’s mother (yes I mean the family I grew up in for any who wonder).

My partner, Jerry, is strongly influenced by growing up in the US mid-west. He refers to himself as a flatlander who does not like edges. I, on the other hand, grew up on the coast in a fishing town. People in my family were said to have had the “sea in their blood”. I muse on the influence of place and geography in this 9 minute video and invite people who listen to reflect on what parts of their identity have been shaped by where they grew up or where they live.

Is Finding Your Birth Family a Good Idea?

I am sometimes asked, is searching for your birth family a good idea? One the one hand, it is hard for me to say since this decision was not in my hands. But it reminds me of the famous quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet – “to be or not to be” – although I am not entirely sure way. Searching for birth family is very much an individual choice. Not everyone wants to search, not everyone wants to be found, not everyone connects in relationship and not every story has a happy ending.

Having said that, if you are someone who knows you have biological family out there and are wondering whether it is a good idea, be aware of the expectations and hopes that you carry, and know that for some, it does not or will not answer the questions they are carrying. This can be hugely disappointing.

On the other hand, actually meeting people may not even be necessary to receive answers – like having my birth family tree suddenly fleshed out. And, for many, there are solid relationships that emerge and evolve over time. For my full sister and I, it is almost as if the 40 year gap did not exist.

My sister and me as children.
Me and my sister in Mexico - a year after we reconnected.

On the whole though, there is an invitation to embrace your identity – all of it. And in so doing, remembering what was here before the physical body and after it is gone. It is all essence.

Canadian Flag

Do Not Lose Heart – We Each Have Sovereignty!

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Talk about a firehose of information, disinformation, subterfuge and attack in a compressed period of time! How many of us have had a hard time just functioning? Anyone want to crawl back into bed and put the covers over your head?

I have had those moments – and sometimes that is all that we might be capable of doing. I often find myself responding by taking a deep, deep breath and finding something physical to do – organizing the house, cleaning, walking, yoga – anything that gets me out of the mind and into the body.

As I have felt the physical, emotional and intellectual impact of all that is going on and the challenge in absorbing or digesting it all (haven’t we all?), I have also wondered what I could offer through this blog to provide some inspiration or hope to those of you who honour me with reading it, to remind us all to not lose heart.

I had nothin’.

That is… until seeing the waves of Canadian pride in the moment our sovereignty has been threatened. Those-that-be in the US, saw fit to “poke the bear”, thinking Canadians would slumber through the threat or quietly acquiesce to the bullying, unnecessary and made-up demands.

But no. Canadians, on the whole, are a somewhat humble lot. That humility may have been misinterpreted as subservience or not caring. I have heard it said, we may be slow to anger, but once you get us riled up, watch out! (I do have to note, for those who know me, this is also a personal description.) We might have some infighting in the Canadian family, but attack us from the outside, and we close ranks.

It is not just the majority of Canadian political leaders who are providing a clear and coherent response. Canadians everywhere are sharing our deep sorrow at the loss of a friend, our anger at and disappointment in the US’s threats and actions (and yes, to my US friends, we know more than half of your country is as distraught as we are – thank you for that) and we are standing our ground, loudly declaring our sovereignty. Across the country, people are asking what goods are produced in Canada and what the alternatives are to American products on our store shelves. For the moment, there is a greater sense of kindness with each other on online platforms.

Sovereignty, friends! Every single one of us has personal sovereignty, no matter where we live or what country we live in – over our thoughts, our choices, our actions. Even if it does not feel like much, a decision to buy Canadian where and how we can is an act of rebellion. Who we spend our time with. Who we reach out to. Acts of sovereignty.

Living our lives as fully as is possible amidst the chaos is a radical act. Creating and co-creating – art, poetry, prose, meals are all acts of rebellion – and also of love. Let’s keep at it in whatever ways we can, wherever and whenever we can. Do not lose heart. Stand in your sovereignty and I will stand in mine. Let’s see and acknowledge each other – quietly or loudly. Do not lose heart.

Ordinarily I don’t post political content on this blog site. However, both our Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and our former deputy Prime Minister Chrystia Freeland have responded to tariff threats and they each, in their own way, capture what most ordinary Canadians are thinking and feeling and why we have stepped up our pride and sovereignty. If you are Canadian, you will resonate with the sentiments. If you are not Canadian, you will get some insight into what we are made of and why, when challenged, we rise to the promise in our National Anthem.

O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all of us command.
With glowing hearts, we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!
From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

Tremulous Times Call for Radical Acts – of Kindness, Compassion, Empathy and Love

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STOP. Right now! Breathe….

Now, breathe more deeply – with each breath, notice the sensation of the breath filling your lungs and the life-giving oxygen moving throughout your body.

Now that you have paused and I have your attention, how are you feeling? Yes, really.  How are you feeling, right now? You are allowed to notice what is true for you, to embrace the fullness of who you are.

Tremulous Times

We are living in tremulous times. I do not have to share the litany of reasons why this is true. All of us who are paying even a little bit of attention – we all know them. Many of us knew it would be bad but the head-spinning velocity at which it is all coming at us can feel and be destabilizing. There are many who say that this is the goal – to overwhelm so much so that we lose hope, the ability to act, that we sink deeper into despair and feel completely disempowered.

For those of us who are empaths, we feel it all, including all that is happening to people, the earth, climate and the environment, in places near to and far from us. It can be debilitating. I know some are deeply challenged and it is all they can do to make it through a day.

For others of us, we have more choice. We can feed this energy and the energies that are indicative of a complete disregard for the sacredness of humanity and all living, sentient beings – or we can make a different choice, even on the days when it feels like our entire body is sludge, being dragged through clay or quicksand.

Radical Acts

Tremulous times call for radical acts – of kindness, compassion, empathy and love – to and for ourselves and to and for others, even as we secure our boundaries around what we are willing to let in and what we are not willing to have thrust upon us.

Kindness, compassion, empathy and love could be to and for the people directly around us or in our circles and it could be for anyone, anywhere on the globe who is need of it, in need of being seen, heard and acknowledged.

Amplify What is Good, Right and Healing in and for the World

It also means giving ourselves permission to experience joy and delight. To nurture our bodies, minds and souls for health and wellbeing and to be resourced against the assault on our sensibilities. It is not to turn a blind eye to what is happening in the world but it is to see and understand what is and is not within our control and to continue to action what is, no matter how small or insignificant it may feel. We often underestimate the power of small acts and actions and we do not know the full scope of who and what is in league with us in these choices. We may not be aware of how we can contribute to amplifying others actions and intentions that will help us all find our way out of the chaos of this present time.

Let’s do it for ourselves, for our loved ones and for those who are currently incapacitated in being able to do it for themselves. Let these be the radical acts that take root in a world that asks us to rise to the challenge of these times in whatever ways we are capable of. Kindness. Compassion. Empathy. Love.

Rumi – There is a Field…. I Will Meet You There

As Rumi has said, there is a field…. I will meet you there – in whatever ways I can: physically, emotionally, energetically, spiritually – and we will amplify the light and healing that is already also at work in the world.

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
There is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
The world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase each other
Doesn’t make any sense.

We Were Made for These Times and We are the Ones We are Waiting For

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It has never been harder and more imperative than ever to accept the challenge offered by Clarissa Pinkola Estes when she wrote, in 2001, “Do not lose heart. We were made for these times.” And, as Gandolph said to Frodo, when Frodo lamented, “I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.” “So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”

It feels to me like we are in an overwhelming, fast-flowing white water rapids period of reality and history. Honestly, conditions and circumstances I never imagined would be my experience in my 6th decade of life. But here we are. Until recent years, maybe the last decade or two, I naively believed that democracy was a given. That hard fought wins would be the unchallenged status quo in perpetuity. I did not imagine that human rights are something that always need to be fought for. This is the lull of having grown up and come to adulthood in the relatively stable decades of the 70s to the 2000s. What a wakeup call.

How are white rapids survived? How do we find our way? As the Hopi Elders’ Prophecy, We are the Ones We Have Been Waiting For, from 2000, says: “There is a river flowing now very fast. It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid. They will try to hold on to the shore. They will feel they are being torn apart and will suffer greatly. Know the river has its destination. The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open, and our heads above the water.”

To find our footing, we need to find a way to navigate the rapids and then find our way out. To do that we need to allow ourselves to be carried by the current until we find a place of refuge, where we can find our footing. While this is happening, we must avoid entrapment or underwater obstacles where danger can engulf us. In today’s world, entrapment could mean becoming lost in “doom scrolling” on our social media feeds or news apps. And there are so many places and ways we can find refuge – we just need to focus and to choose.

Here are a few suggestions for remembering that “we were made for these times” and “we are the ones we have been waiting for”.

  1. Reduce and limit social media scrolling and news watching. My own time dedicated to this has been significantly reduced compared to before the US election. It is possible to stay aware of what is going on in the world simply by perusing headlines and dedicating limited time to these endeavours, without staying long enough to be overwhelmed or to despair.
  2. Notice what is draining you or uplifting you. Turn your attention to sources of inspiration and focus your time on what uplifts you. Give yourself permission to do this because it is okay to find joy, laughter and connection to sustain yourself.
  3. Become aware of the conversations that drain your energy, evoke despair or anger. I seem to have a deep well of anger that surfaces if I pay too much attention to politics or the wars that are being waged – because I am an empath and because the harm to people wounds my heart and my spirit. When I become aware this is happening, I pull out my boundaries and turn my attention or the conversation elsewhere.
  4. Read the full Hopi Prophecy and Clarissa Pinkola Estes full essay as well as other poets and authors who offer reminders of courage and inspiration.
  5. Focus on what is within your control or influence and be or do those things. Sometimes it can take some effort to get started but once in motion it gets easier whether this is writing, meditating, activity, exercise, advocacy or whatever else feels meaningful or helpful to you.
  6. Deepen spiritual or mindfulness practices. They remind us that there is more to the world than the physicality of it and that minding our energy – what we take in and what we give off – is extraordinarily important and life giving.
  7. Know who your people are and hold them close. This can be family, friends, colleagues, authors, poets or people you follow who remind you of the humanity that is still flourishing out there. In another post, I provide a list of people and groups that provide me with inspiration. I may have lost faith in some humans but I have not lost faith in humanity.
  8. Create. Art. Crafts. Poetry. Other writing. Offerings that are in service to yourself and maybe in service to others. Remember we are not chasing perfection, we are evoking what is true for us in any given moment and sharing that to remind ourselves and each other that there are many ways of expression available to us.
  9. Be a spark of light. Este says, “Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world all at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach. Any small, calm thing that one soul can do to help another soul, to assist some portion of this poor suffering world, will help immensely. It is not given to us to know which acts or by whom, will cause the critical mass to tip toward an enduring good. One of the most calming and powerful actions you can do to intervene in a stormy world is to stand up and show your soul. Soul on deck shines like gold in dark times. The light of the soul throws sparks, can send up flares, builds signal fires, causes proper matters to catch fire. To display the lantern of soul in shadowy times like these – to be fierce and to show mercy toward others; both are acts of immense bravery and greatest necessity.

Personally, I am deep in creation with my partner Jerry Nagel and with my dear friend Dana Pearlman (Inner Wisdom Lab). I share more about that in this other post as well as links to some of our work. Jerry and I engage in Shades of Life Conversations with our dear friend Tenneson Woolf. These conversations are timely and nourishing.

Take care of yourself. Pay attention to what nourishes you. Extend this umbrella to the people you care about.  We are the ones we’ve been waiting for and we were made for these times.

Inner Wisdom Activation – Step Boldly into Who You were Born to Be!

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There is a momentous shift occurring and with this shift is an invitation into expansion and expression of your full self. Many people are experiencing relief, a sense of being re-energized and even joy.

Is it possible that we are in a moment of significant sea tide of change taking root? For people who follow astrology or energy guides, all indications point to this time as sparking new, long-term cycles. As with any cycle, it means some things are ready to die and new things are birthed. The death throes can be loud, frightening and possibly even feel a bit dangerous. I feel some of this when I look at current political scenarios in both the US and Canada as I work to intentionally stay facing a future of optimism and hope.

Dana Pearlman and I are creating a space for a community of wisdom seekers: The Inner Wisdom Lab. We have created a Facebook Group as a starting place for this community and you can go there to join us. We are also offering a 4-week Inner Wisdom Activation Program beginning with the first 2 hour session on September 26 at 1:00 pm EST. Registration is $125 US for all 4 although the first session is free.

This program is for those of us wanting to step more completely into the gifts and talents we know we have yet have not yet fully accessed. The type of gifts and talents that arise from inner wisdom and knowing that we may have ignored, hidden or believed we didn’t have. This is an invitation to rise, both individually and collectively, to meet the moment, renewed, resourced and ready.

Inner Wisdom Activation Information

You find out more at the Inner Wisdom webpage where you can also find a registration link. During the 4 weeks we will cover:

  1. Inner Wisdom Activation: connecting to hidden or forgotten gifts and talents.
  2. Intuitive Triads Community Call: honing intuition to discern and act on synchronicities.
  3. Identifying and Releasing Limiting Beliefs: getting out of your own way – releasing fear, anxiety, shame and doubt to expand access to your inner wisdom.
  4. Sacred Inner Wisdom Creations: what sacred creation do you want to give life to now?

There will be other guided visualizations provided in advance of each week to support you in the journey and you will be invited into reflection exercises to see what arises for you from week to week and note any discoveries that emerge.

An Inner Wisdom Lab Video Series

Dana and I are having a lot of fun in creating this offering. We have been recording some videos to describe what it is, why we have felt called to do this, what’s involved, what guided visualizations are and we share some stories from our own experiences to give people a sense of who we are as well as a sense of what might be experienced. You can find the Inner Wisdom Play List here. Individual videos created so far are listed below.

  1. Inner Wisdom Activation Introduction.
  2. Guided Visualizations: What they are and how they work.
  3. Kathy’s Drumming Circle Story – an early experience.
  4. Dana’s Story of Reiki and Healing.
  5. Dana’s Story – the call to paint.
  6. Kathy’s Story – The call to Gold Lake (and how it connects to the Drumming Circle story from a decade previous).

Community helps us grow. Together we amplify our experiences and our access to energy and intuition. It may be serious and profound work. It’s also fun and invites us to laugh with each other. Come join us and grow your own sense of community and connection.

Enchantments and Enchanted Spaces

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When I moved into my home in 2010, I had always felt like I had been called to it – or it had called to me. The house I had been living in prior to divorce sold within 24 hours of listing it, with a month to close. This may be one of the most powerful enchantments I have ever done, without actually knowing what I was doing. I wove a spell of letting go and welcome around that house daily for months before the house was listed.

I was wandering through my now neighbourhood the day my old house was being viewed and saw an open house sign. I accepted that invitation and knew immediately upon entering that this was my house. Although my agent took me to see other houses, I didn’t need to see any others. The previous owner was willing to move sooner than he had anticipated – within three weeks – because it was a sale with no conditions.

Lots of Transformation over the Years

Fourteen years later, I still feel the same. There has been a lot of transformation in the house and on the property. It started with converting most of a large storage room into my office as soon as I moved in. That idea came about as I stood, looking out that basement window, saying to myself, in a perfect world, this room would be my office. So mote it be.

Property Transformation

Property transformation began one summer when Jerry was visiting. He took the gardening tools to the trees in what had become an overgrown backyard wilderness of sorts. I learned a lot about being ruthless in taking down tree limbs, line of sight, pausing to see how things looked, before going too far. Trimming the undergrowth from a front hedge became a summer project another year. Other yard work was sparked because my son and daughter-in-law love digging in the dirt and cutting up wood. Projects started while they visited became my mission.

Painting Odyssey

Then there was the painting odyssey of 2020 – thank you Covid. Every room in the house was rearranged, purging did transpire, and fresh colour adorned every wall and piece of trim in the house by early fall.

2022 saw new decks – one that Jerry and I built on our own, nestled a bit higher up than the main deck and into the trees, making it feel like a completely different space and energy – almost like it was in the woods rather than attached to the main deck. A contractor replaced that one.

This spring (2024) saw the takedown of a huge, three-trunk elm tree from my front yard after a large branch came crashing down in big winds, Easter weekend. It was leaning over my house and beginning the slow rot from the inside, so it needed to come down. It has since been transformed into firewood. And, I’m working on removing the oil tank and furnace, to be replaced by heat pumps, this fall.

Enchanted Playhouse and Space

I have often thought about building a playhouse for my grandchildren in a portion of my backyard. That idea was put on hold for a variety of reasons. One recent weekend, as I looked out a stairwell window, I saw that neighbours across the street had put out a child’s hard plastic playhouse for anyone to pick up.

Magically, a playhouse is now in my backyard. It is not the wooden structure I thought I would build – maybe that will come later – but the magical sense of this little house in my backyard, at the end of a path (that once led to something else) truly lends itself to a feeling of enchantment. My grandchildren love it. Looking out from the deck or the living room window, the whole space now looks like an enchanted opening in the wyrd wood where fairies, wood elves and nymphs, and the spirits of the land will now come to gather and spread their magic in the same way I was drawn to my home the very first time I saw it.

The Gift of Illuminating Lineage

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Anyone who knows anything of my life story knows it is complex and convoluted, impossible to follow unless you are one of the main characters. This great meme “when someone asks about your family and you’re trying to decide if you should tell them the Disney or Jerry Springer version” is beyond apt. Up until 2008, I thought my story to be relatively “uneventful, normal and straightforward”. In January of that year, an unexpected FB message arrived: “You don’t know me and I don’t mean to upset you, but I have reason to believe you might be my sister”. In one way, it upended everything. In another way, I had already developed a strong sense of self through coaching support and personal and spiritual journey.

It became an intriguing drama as story upon story about birth family members unfolded, some more complete than others. I wrote about what I knew at the time in my memoir, Embracing the Stranger in Me: A Journey to Openheartedness. I had the opportunity to meet my birth father, my full sister and my half-sister and their families. There was a fair bit known about the paternal lineage – although, probably not surprisingly, not everything, as we discovered the actual story of my birth grandfather. He was an alcoholic and it had been assumed he had died derelict on the streets of Halifax. However, meeting a cousin, the daughter of my birth father’s brother, revealed that story was much different and he had died in a care facility as a recovering alcoholic who thought he had had a pretty good life.

The Mystery of Our Birth Mother

However, for my full sister, Deb, and I, the story of our birth mother was much more opaque. We knew a few things. She had left her family behind (my birth father, sister and me), taking off with a friend of our birth father, for Montreal. In her defence, she was just twenty years old with a three-year-old and an infant in the early 60s. She may have had postpartum depression and she was promised they would come back for the babies.

For a long time, we did not what happened to her in Montreal or how she ended up in British Columbia where she established a good life for herself. She married and she and her husband adopted a daughter because she could no longer have babies. Our birth mother died in 2007. I never did have the chance to meet her although Deb did. It was her death that sparked the search for me.

Now friends with her adopted daughter, we learned more about our birth mother’s life, including the fact she had been prostituted out by the man she had trusted and gone to Montreal with. Speculating here, but the shame of that made her want to forget about life before that, including the fact she had two daughters. She was very secretive and never shared that part of her history with her husband or daughter while she was alive.

The Bigger Mystery of Our Birth Grandmother

Deb and I knew our birth mother’s mother – our grandmother – had had multiple children with multiple dads and we had been told she had given them all away. Not even clear if that meant adoption. And that is all we knew. Until a recent conversation with a biological cousin whose mom was sisters with our birth mom. My cousin happens to also be a Kathie – different spelling and different variation of our formal names.

This connection came to be because my sister and I agreed to enter our DNA sample to Ancestry.com, in the wondering of whether we would find out information related to our maternal lineage – although neither one of us applied much effort to it. Interestingly, we did discover we didn’t quite know everything about our paternal lineage as another half-sister contacted us a couple of years ago now. That is a story for another time.

Mysteries Solved

Kathie has done a significant amount of research – through Ancestry and in the search for birth, marriage and death certificates. Our birth mom was #2 of 8 and Kathie’s mom was #3 and the first baby our birth grandmother – Audrey – kept, at the behest of her mother and stepfather. Baby #1 was given up for adoption and the trail to find her is cold. Baby #2 was our birth mother and we know she ended up with aunts and uncles – not once but twice, due to the death of the aunt and uncle who originally took her in. 

Babies #4 and #5 were with a man Audrey moved in with and, after he left, she moved in with another man and babies #6, 7 and 8 arrived. You have to remember this was back in the 1940s and 50s. This kind of life journey was almost unheard of and was certainly not glorified. I have no idea of the amount of trauma that had to be present or what the circumstances of their lives must have been.

Illuminating Lineage

The gift in talking to my cousin was the filling in of so many missing details – including the name of our birth grandmother and her parents – the gift of illuminating lineage. I hadn’t realized how powerful this could be. One side of the lineage had been pretty fully sketched out; the other side was obscured or in shadow. You know it is there, but you can’t access it.

If you can imagine a tree where one side is lit and the other side is dark and you can’t even imagine the shape of it except you believe there must be some kind of symmetry or balance. Then, imagine the whole tree is lit and now you can see it in detail and what you cannot see likely does not matter too much anymore.

The Power of Illumination

I hadn’t realized the disparity in weight or lack of balance that this created – until the other side of the family tree was illuminated. Now in my mind’s eye, I can see, or more accurately sense, all the branches – the full tree. On one level, the names don’t matter, the symmetry is there. Yet, knowing the names also has meaning and depth. I know my birth grandmother’s name, Audrey, and it makes her more real. I know more of her story and it makes her more real. It takes something that was intangible and makes it tangible. If you have never experienced this, it is far more powerful than it sounds because it happens through many senses, not just through intellectual knowing. It is emotional, psychological, spiritual. It brings a wholeness to something that was like a phantom limb. It is a felt sense about it.

Having experienced everything that I have experienced over the last decade and a half (or really my entire life), I now know these stories are all still evolving. I don’t know what I don’t know. But I am appreciative of this gift of knowing biological lineage – for Deb and me. Blanks have been filled in and this has enlivened a sense of lineage that had been stumped in ways I had not fathomed. It is like it breathes new life and possibilities into my heart, spirit, soul and consciousness. It offers new perspectives and possibilities and brings a sense of wholeness I had not known I lacked. And, it is not necessary to develop relationships with all the biological family who are still alive. It is enough just to know.

Who Do I Mean When I Say, “My Parents”

Note. People often wonder, when I refer to my parents who do I mean? Always, always, my parents are the people who raised me. Their commitment and love are as much and sometimes more of me than the DNA that connects me to biological lineage. I know this is the same for many adoptees, although for sure not all. My biological parents are not my “real parents”, they are my biological parents. DNA does not a family make. Commitment and relationship does.

A Cautionary Note

There are many stories that have been published about joyful reunions, a sense of belonging, and deep relationships that have been forged when biological relatives have connected or reconnected. Some people feel a deep yearning for these kinds of connections. Not everyone who has been adopted or has given a child up feels that way. There is no one uniform experience or desire. Individual wishes and privacy must be respected when this the case. And, once you do connect with biological family, there is no guarantee that it will be warm and fuzzy. In one way, it’s no different than family units that have grown up together. In my situation, the relationships and connections vary – which is to be connected – and the closest relationship is with Deb. This could be because we have the same biological parents, it could be because I do remember her from when we were young or there could be any other range of factors that contribute to this. All this to say, approach these explorations with as much caution as optimism and hope. Not every story has a happy ending.

What are Group Visualizations and How Do They Work?

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What are group visualizations and how do they work? Take a listen here or read below.

Group visualizations work pretty much the same way as the one-on-one visualizations with one key difference – the one-in-one visualizations offer more of a collaborative and tailored experience between you and me. With a group, the guided visualization is provided and the participants embark on their own individual journey without speaking during it. There is enough fluidity in the guidance offered that each person will have their own unique experience.

When the visualization is complete, there will be a few minutes for participants to silently journal their experience. If it is a small group, people will be invited to share what they wish of their experience with the group. If it is a larger group, break out rooms will be set up and participants can share with their smaller group.

The sharing is part of making sense of the experience as well as allowing the imagery and gifts to sink deeper into your consciousness. As with the one-on-one visualizations, many people find this informs their day-to-day experiences as well as their access to their own intuition and inner guidance on an on-going basis.

If you and a few friends would like to participate in a group guided visualization, send me a note and we’ll work out the details.

Reflections on Generations and Heritage

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One of two last remaining aunts on my father’s side of the family died in January and her celebration of life was planned for this past May Victoria Day long weekend. My brother and I quickly accepted the invitation to make the road trip to Cap Chat, Quebec to reunite with many of our French cousins.

Annual Pilgrimage

We remember well our annual, occasionally twice-yearly, trips to Quebec, to the homeland of our father, on the Gaspe Peninsula, St. Lawrence Seaway side, when we were young. Mom and dad would wake us up at 3:00 in the morning and bundle us into the back seat of the car, in the days before seatbelts, for the long drive. Back then it was in the range of 13 to 14 hours from Lunenburg to Cap Chat, on roads with no passing lanes, certainly no twinned highways and even a few dirt roads. Even today, once you get past Moncton, New Brunswick, no matter which route you take, the highways are not twinned, although from Halifax it is more like an 8-hour drive now.

The cat shaped rock that gave Cap Chat its name, the beach along the St. Lawrence Seaway, the old homestead across the street from the St. Lawrence River.

When we did sleep, we would often wake in time for breakfast, disoriented in time and geography. There were a few places we predictably stopped – one a diner outside of Moncton and one a restaurant in Carleton, Quebec, neither of which exist today. Because we were on vacation, we could have clubhouse sandwiches, french fries and orange soda. A real treat.

We always looked forward to seeing our cousins – those who lived in Cap Chat and those from Rimouski or Montreal who happened to visit our grandparents at the same time we were there. Being among the youngest of the cousins though, there were many of the 20 or so I did not know from those travels. They were already off doing other things.

Traveling to Quebec every summer was not an option, it was an expectation. Dad was on a mission to get there and an even speedier mission to get home once the visit was over –  it could be a real nail biter! Initially 2 weeks at a time, then 10 days, then a week.

DNA Imprinting

Year over year, we did this pilgrimage and it seems imprinted into our DNA as much as the biological lineage for my brother (because spoiler alert for some, I was adopted and did not know it growing up …. or even until my mid-forties – but that is the stuff of other stories, including my memoir, Embracing the Stranger in Me: A Journey to Openheartedness). In our adult years, my brother and I traveled together to Quebec just a few times – all for funerals.

Upon our arrival, we were warmly welcomed and embraced. Some cousins I had not seen for decades – as many as 4 decades. Others I had met again in more recent years. Yet, no matter how many years have gone by, the connections are genuine and feel recent.

Walking along the sidewalk in Cap Chat – or on the beach – it was like it was yesterday when we stayed at our grandparents’ house, the same house dad and all his siblings grew up in. Each step resonated. On the beach, I could feel the connection with all who came before and are no longer physically with us – grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, some cousins.

Cousin Relationships as Adults

Cousin relationships in adult years, and with the prevalence of social media, is far different than when we were shy children. We are grateful that pretty much everybody speaks English since we don’t speak French. Social media gives us a peek into people’s lives – travel, relationships, connections. It reminds us of who people are.

As someone not biologically connected to this family, it is interesting to observe the physical resemblances of siblings and cousins. Some have more unique characteristics, coming from their other sides of the family. Some cousins look like they could be siblings. There are, like in most families, very notable Jourdain characteristics. As a child and even young adult, I had no idea I didn’t look like the family. Now, although it is more obvious to me, my brain still “recognizes” me as a member of this family.

A curious side note: my brother and I both did not know I was adopted. When we found out, it seemed that it must have been a really big secret, because how could we not have known? Yet, everyone in the family, and pretty much everyone we grew up with in our small town, knew I was adopted. A secret so openly known, no one talked about it.

Generational Shifts

Generations in families shift over time. We move from childhood to adulthood, with a generation or two still ahead of us. Then, those generations are gone, and we are now the elders in the family. Most of us have families of our own for whom we are the oldest generation now, grandparents in our own right. It is good to have reminders of who our generation is in our extended family.

The generation before.

The last funeral I had attended in Quebec was with my father, also for an aunt. At that time, he was the last remaining of six siblings. My cousins who were there each acknowledged him with greetings, conversations and even a gift or two. There was a hospitality room where the family gathered to connect, have a few drinks with amazing food, and tell stories. My dad thought it was loud, that people drank a lot, that “it wasn’t the same anymore”. I told him the only thing that was different was the generations. I believe he was 85. The view from there was a bit lonely I’m sure, rooms filled with ghosts of memories from a different era, now filled with the next generation of adult children and their children.

Had my brother and I not gone to Quebec, I doubt I would have missed the experience. However, having gone, and now knowing what I would have missed, I am so much more likely to quickly accept the next invitation, which will inevitably come our way.

It is good to be reminded of who we are in the context of our heritage and shared memories or experiences. Our memories and our stories keeps the generations before us alive.