An Antidote to Anger is Reflection

Anger can get a bad rap. It is not because it is inherently bad, but because many do not know how to express it, other than lashing out and causing harm to others. Some do it purposefully, intending to do harm. Some do it defensively, to not work with their own emotional experiences or fears, which is not necessarily a conscious response.

Anger can be intimidating when we are subjected to it. And our own anger can make us afraid that we might harm others, especially if we have not witnessed anger expressed in healthy ways – which was my case for a lot of my life. I learned that not acknowledging or expressing anger that is present can look like false harmony and that is not helpful or healthy either.

I also learned to stand my ground in the face of anger and that is not been easy to do. Being subjected to someone else’s wrath, justified or not (and usually not) has accompanying physical and emotional reactions. This is why reflection is an antidote to anger.

Reflection is important when you are the one who is angry. Feeling angry usually means a boundary has been violated. Understanding what is contributing to your anger means you can address it in more thoughtful and intentional ways. Or let it go. For me, when something happens that goes against my values, when someone does harm to someone else, when people take advantage of other people, hypocrisy – these are all things that contribute to me being angry. Understanding the source helps me consider my choices and my actions.

When it is someone who is angry at you, and if it matters to you, reflecting on why they are projecting their anger towards you can help you step out of your own responses and help you find a way to address the issue with the other person. In my experience, it usually involves a delay in response, past the heat of the moment. Sometimes, stepping away is the healthiest thing you can do in the moment.

Anger is an emotion. Acknowledging it can be one of the most powerful things you can do. Learning how to work with it can be even more powerful. Demonstrating healthy ways to work with anger can be a gift to those around you.

An Antidote to Overwhelm is Connection

Overwhelm can stop us in our tracks. It can feel like we are buried … or drowning, in murky waters. Even just reflecting on overwhelm in this moment of writing I feel the need for a deep inhale and slow release of breath. Calling me to presence.

An antidote, for me, to overwhelm is connection. Connection with my partner. With his kids and grandkids. With my kids and grandkids. They bring me to presence immediately.

I just had a conversation with my oldest son and his wife about how grateful we all are for an afternoon spent together, hanging out, going to the playground, being outside, doing yard work, grounding in nature. We feel fortunate that our extended family connections are nurturing circles of support – for all of us.

Connection with others who are experiencing a similar sense of overwhelm or related emotional state. Remembering we are not alone. Allowing ourselves a moment to be in our experience and then looking for how to renew our spirits, hope and faith, to keep ourselves inspired or just re-invigorated enough to find the simplest, most elegant step forward.

Connection reminds us we are not alone and it is possible get through this moment of overwhelm too.

The Luxury of an Existential Crisis

As I witness events in the world, feel the sense of overwhelm and helplessness, as I am at a loss of new words to describe the wanton cruelty of what Russia is doing in and to Ukraine, and sometimes feel paralyzed by the feelings I am absorbing, I realize I am having an existential crisis, perhaps even existential dread. This is a luxury not afforded to Ukrainians or to any oppressed peoples in the world.

Last month, I wrote that I am feeling a little frayed around the edges. Now I recognize it is more than that. I am torn between the beliefs I have carried about life and humanity my whole life and the cruel, unprovoked destruction that comes into my news feed from Ukraine every single day. How is it possible that some people are so craven they can carry out these atrocities? It shakes my belief in humanity as my heart aches for the loss of life and heritage.

Far Removed From, Yet Affected By, The Unspeakable Horrors and Violence

In the face of violence and unspeakable horrors, I sit safely in my home in a relatively sleepy corner of the world, knowing my family members and loved ones are also safe in their homes. It seems far removed from the violence and, yet, there is and has been violence here too. Not on the scale of what we are currently witnessing in other parts of the world, but it exists. We just have to think back to the “founding” of my city and province or to how First Nations people who lived here for centuries before Europeans arrived were treated, including almost being annihilated, or early refugees, whether they were Francophone or People of Colour, looking for safety or escaping slavery.

In the Worldview Intelligence work that Jerry and I have created and offer out into the world, we have a framework with Six Dimensions that help us understand and explore worldviews – individual, organizational, country, culture. We draw on neuroscience research to explain human behaviour and motivation.

Violence and Oppression From the Dawn of Time

Through this work I have and an increasing awareness that patterns of violence are deeply embedded in our human history from the dawn of time. There have always been acts of inhumanity, depravity, oppression, greed, power imbalances and the desire or need to conquer or claim the land that others live on and call home. There has always been travesty in the world. There have always been some people who believe they are better than others, subjecting those they think less of to violence and harm. There has always been enslavement of one sort or another, by one people over another.

But How Is It Happening Now?

What seems so shocking now is to look at the sophistication of the cities and communities in Ukraine, knowing the multi-dimensionality of culture enjoyed throughout the country by its citizens. Living life fully, just like we are able to do here in Canada, even in this moment. We saw it in cities before this: Aleppo in Syria and Sarajevo in Bosnia are just two examples, not to mention the destruction of cities during the two World Wars. And we have seen many examples of genocide whether we choose to look or not – The Holocaust, East Timor, Cambodia, Guatemala, Rwanda, Hutus, Rohingya, Uygehur and this is not even an exhaustive list.

When Jerry and I walk the streets of Paris, the city is sophisticated – culturally, socially, economically. It is a juxtaposition to the violent history of the city going back to its origins in 8000 BC to more recently when during the French Revolution in 1788-89, the Guillotine was invented and blood ran in the streets. At that time, Paris was considered sophisticated. Was the wholesale violence and death shocking to citizens who experienced it then? To those who witnessed it or heard of it?

Being Interconnected Means We Cannot Do Harm to Another Without Also Harming Ourselves

We are all interconnected – whether we believe it to be so or not. We cannot do harm to another without also doing it to ourselves. As we are now experiencing, harm cannot be done to another without it affecting us all. We can try to look away, compartmentalize, rationalize or justify, as many Russian people (and others) are doing at the moment, but that does not mean we are not affected. The Russian invaders committing atrocities against Ukrainians will be forever marked by the violence they have wrought, even as the Ukrainian people will carry this new trauma through the ages.

How Does This Stop?

Where is the united voice for peace that can enact that desire and stop the violence? Many of us are advocating for it, some more powerful than others. NATO countries are applying ever expanding economic sanctions. Countries are shipping arms, lethal and non-lethal military supplies to Ukraine. And it is not yet enough. There does not seem to be a military course of action that the powers that be are willing to take. Stopped by the fear of a nuclear war, that Putin might wage anyway once he finishes the destruction of Ukraine? Those of us not close to the decision making can only speculate.

Threads of Humanity Connected Through a Veritable Life Force

So, I, we, sit back and grieve for the world through our aching hearts. I take in as much as I can, to know and witness what is happening in a place I have no personal connection to other than through the threads of humanity, consciousness, love, compassion, and the veritable life force that runs through us all. Like so many, I have been absorbing the violence, the emotions, the helplessness – sometimes more than I realize it. It weighs heavy in my consciousness and on my soul. That life goes on here and in so many other places, almost as if this is not happening, seems unbelievable and unbearable. How is it even possible?

And I realize, even through this existential dread, that it is my duty to do what I can, even as that means living my life fully where I am. Showing up completely for my family, loved ones, friends and neighbours. Spilling my passion into the work that Jerry and I do, continuing to develop it so that whoever is touched by it can be inspired to their own hope and courage, to build trust and relationship in the places they have influence – which will likely never be at the highest levels of government. But it matters. As many people as possible operating within their spheres of influence matters.

What We Are Called To Do – Creating Ripples Where We Can

There is nothing less that we are called to do, to honour the fierceness and perseverance of the Ukrainian people, as they stand for what is right, as they fall in the streets of their cities and towns, knowing they stand for all of democracy, for all of us who value democracy. Would I be able to take the stand that they are taking if it was my city and country that was threatened? Would you? I can only hope so – as the world stands by witnessing atrocities we have said many times should never happen again.

Love, Hope, Community and Connection – Also Through the Dawn of the Ages

Just as there has always been violence and atrocities, so too there has always been valour, dignity, hope, love, respect, integrity, kindness, community and collaboration – through the dawn of ages. It may not seem like much, but we need to keep shining a light on this. As Mother Teresa said, “I alone cannot change the world. But I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.” We have many such “stones” at hand. Let’s use all we can, create as many ripples as is possible.

There are many groups active here in Atlantic Canada, across the country and around the world who are actively working to support Ukrainians. A friend of ours is in Poland at the border, welcoming refugees into her open arms. If we cannot be there, we can donate to reputable organizations – money or supplies. Take in a family if you can until they can get on their feet. Discover other methods of support.

Hang on to your loved ones – life is both fierce and fragile. We never know when it will change. If this is what we have in this moment, it is the most important thing. I have very young grandchildren. When I was having my babies, there was a question about whether it was moral to bring new children into the world. Now I am 60. People still ask that question, yet my children are having children and I am deeply moved and grateful. They are inspiration and hope as well as the reminder to stay present to the moment.

Live Life Fully in Honour of Those Who Can’t

We cannot always see what the solutions for our challenges are as they may not have been invented yet. It would be a disservice to the people of Ukraine, who are fighting for their homeland and for democracy and freedom, with their lives, to not live fully, to not have heart, to lose sight of our humanity and of theirs. So take the opportunities and chances available to you – do it for yourself and do it for the people who do not have this luxury at the moment. Жива Україна! (Live Ukraine!)

Moment to Moment

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This moment is but a small grain in the sands of time. What happens in the next moment is unknowable but this too shall pass and a better moment shall arise. In your life, in the history of the world, of various civilizations, moments have come and gone. Some have been better. Some have been worse.

If you are in a moment of overwhelm, if world events are weighing you down, turn solidly to this moment. In this moment, you are okay. As this moment turns to the next, you are okay. Maybe tomorrow or next week will be a different story. However, as Mark Twain said, “Worry is the interest we pay on trouble that never comes.” Trouble might be imminent but until we are actually in it, worrying about it is a drain on energy that could be available for something else – something productive or even relaxing.

When you notice you are worrying, anxious or fearful, remind yourself, in this moment, you are okay. And moment to moment you will make it to each next breath.

Moving Through Overwhelm One Small Step at a Time

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With all that is happening in the world right now, it is easy to be consumed by overwhelm so vast that it makes it almost impossible to do anything. It is important to stay informed, to look for things that are true, but the search can be all consuming and then debilitating. You might wonder what you, one person, can do.

The first is to retreat. Only long enough to find vibrational harmony with that which is at peace within you, to find vibrational harmony that will allow you to act with intentionality. That action need not be large in the world. Any small step will do. Yesterday I published a post on connecting with yourself. There are some ways to do that listed here.

Small steps you could take today:

  • A moment of quiet
  • A small act of kindness for someone
  • Consciously sending love and light out into the world
  • Remember the things that bring you joy (it is okay to experience joy in the craziness of these times – in fact, it is essential, it might contribute to keeping you sane)

Today, I will post on social media mostly things that hearten me and this week I will publish as many short posts as I can focused on messages to keep us strong and openhearted.

In a world that is going crazy, we need all of us to find our internal light to shine it out into the chaos.